It’s funny (well not really) that you can weight 378 lbs and not be concerned about every lump of fat that you walk around with. It’s weird but when I was that big, firstly, I don’t think I really looked at myself in a mirror (I know I didn’t); secondly, I didn’t really focus on my shape because my mental state was such that “I was at the point of no return”. I have found myself lately being really hard on myself, picking apart my body and focusing on all this extra skin and belly fat that I still need to lose. I was at a yoga practice last night and rather than focusing on my pose I was caught myself looking in the mirror and focusing on how my belly was hanging in that moment rather than focusing on the pose. Seriously, why do I care? I have done great, right? My amazing husband was quick to point out how far I have come when I voiced my frustration this morning, but it is something that I am trying to get a grasp on.
I think a few things play into my current state of mind. 1) I am getting excited as I get closer to my goal weight. 2) Now that I actually look at myself in a mirror, things are more “in my face” 3) now that I can actually find my waist and hips, everything else is more noticeable to me. I am not sure and it’s really hard to explain. I know that the fact I have lost 158 lbs is incredible, with only 46 lbs in total left to lose, I am so close. Maybe I am looking ahead too much, one big reason for my success to-date is focusing on small goals. I need to stay focused on those next 20 lbs and hitting that 200 lbs marker rather than that last 46 lbs that seems to be on my mind a lot lately.
My first response to how I am feeling is that I am going to hit the gym more. My routine lately has been my run clinic and a great deal of yoga and a little time at the gym. I have been avoiding the gym because the weather has been so awesome and with my shoulder still not 100% I am avoiding doing weights. But maybe I need to make sure I am getting to the gym more, getting some weights in and working on my upper body strength. I am used to working out more often than I have lately, so perhaps it’s my sub conscience telling me I am not doing enough. I think there is something to this theory only because lifting weights made me feel strong and in control and right now I am not feeling completely in control. Don’t get me wrong, nothing could completely derail me and my journey but I like to be completely in control of all aspects of what it takes to get the job done and continue to always have a healthy lifestyle.
But, that doesn’t change the fact that I am struggling to come to terms with my body in it’s current state. Along this journey I have always loved the fact that I finally love myself but lately I am not sure what’s happening. Too many expectations on myself? Did I think I looked better than I actually do up until now? It’s a weird thing to wrap my brain around and I don’t want to sound silly because, I know, I have come a long way but I still feel the way I feel. Maybe things are starting to slow down for me and I am feeling panicked about it? Not really sure.
Another burning question for me is, will I be able to hit my end goal weight or will skin get in the way (literally). The more weight I lose the more obvious it is that I am going to need surgery, not a surgery I can afford at this point in my life and from what I understand it’s not covered so I could very well have to live like this for my entire life. There are worse problems to have but it’s frustrating at the same time. I think it sucks that this isn’t covered by our medical system, the money being saved by me getting healthier more than covers it. My obesity was from a food addiction. There are lots of health complications that are as a result of a “addiction”. Our system pays for their treatments and surgeries, and I strongly agree and am very grateful for that, but I don’t agree that our system can pick and choose who they are going to help. If I wanted to have a lap band or my stomach stapled, that would have been covered. But I didn’t take that route, and nothing against those that did, but it would be great if help was there at the end of my journey too. Someone could read this and say, if I hadn’t allowed myself to get fat then I would be in predicament, and to that – I would just laugh! If only it was just that easy when dealing with an addiction. Just say’n. 🙂