Accountable to me Only!

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So the past few days I have been feeling kind of down and unmotivated. It hasn’t stopped me from doing my routine exercise but it has been weighing on me mentally which will eventually take it’s toll if I don’t sort it out.

This past weekend I went away with my family for Halloween. It was an awesome weekend with my cousin and her family. I knew that having a Sunday weigh in would be less than ideal for this weekend and I wouldn’t be able to attend a meeting so I did take my scale on the road as I always do. I knew we would be having some drinks and staying up late to play cards so a gain would be likely for this weekend.  This is no big deal to me normally, when I was doing the Weight Watchers online program I was accountable to me only although some would say I am still only accountable to myself now, but I would beg to differ. The thing that works about this program is “life happens” and not every week will be a textbook week. I am to the point now in this journey that I am not going to sacrifice a great family bonding weekend because of one weigh in that may not give me the numbers I was hoping for, I have no regrets it was an awesome visit.  For me, it all goes back to why I am doing this and who I am doing it for.  I feared I would feel this way which is why I never did meetings.  I was up 3lbs on Sunday, initial reaction, no big deal  – not the first time and I will have that taken care of in no time. Today I checked and I am up another 1lbs, say what?  I know, some would say not to weigh myself everyday, but I would tell them I lost 200lbs doing the exact opposite so I will continue to weigh myself everyday.  I know that this gain is temporary and I will drop most of it before Sunday but that isn’t my point, my point is why all of a sudden am I beating myself up about it?  I have had this before and I just get back at it and it’s gone but now with this feeling of a Sunday meeting looming is giving me extra anxiety about it.

The ladies at the Sunday meeting are all awesome, they all share their struggles and I am always happy to make suggestions along with everyone else at the meeting. I know if I show up and have a gain, they would think it’s not a big deal and know that I have lost so much, it’s just a bump along the road and I will lose it again.  They would be right, I will lose it again but I am really struggling with the idea that I all of sudden care what others might feel and the additional pressure that brings.  Just like I mentioned in my blog after my first meeting, it’s great to have this extra pressure but I need to keep that pressure in check.  The fact is, meetings are not for everyone. Like I said to the ladies at my first Weight Watchers meeting, I commended them for the commitment to show up each week. Not only does this mess with my schedule but the mental struggle to have to face or feel shame on any given week if it’s not a good week, for me, is not a motivator is a deterrent or at least could be.  The meeting, the people attending it are not the problem they are fantastic.  I am not the problem either but what it comes down to is what works for one may not work for the other.  I have always said I wouldn’t be here blogging about losing 200lbs if I had tried to do this by attending meetings. Weight Watchers online works for me in a big way. 🙂

Most importantly I need to be true to myself and I need to be in 100% control of this journey just as I have been over the last almost two years now. The past 22 months I have learned to motivate myself, reassure myself, be accountable to myself, forgive myself and most importantly love myself.  I protected myself from all things negative including my own thoughts, I have no room for negativity. As amazing as attending the first couple meetings has been there are a few things that don’t work for me.  1. The commitment to my Sunday morning.  My son has rugby on that morning so can make for a rushed morning, ugh, I hate feeling rushed on a weekend.  2. I get inflammation when I am sore from my workouts or runs. ( is this normal?) for me this means I go up a few points until the soreness and inflammation goes down. On Saturday’s I do my longest run of the week which means I am very sore and tired from my weeks workouts so weighing in on Sunday can potentially suck. For example, after I ran my half marathon I was up 5 lbs mid week all week until that Sunday when I weighed in at my first weight watchers meeting I ended up having a 2lbs loss from the Friday before.  That is crazy amount of weight swing at this point in my journey, but welcome to my body. 🙂 The first week I attended a weight watchers meeting I actually waited and did my run on the Sunday afternoon after my meeting to make sure a Saturday run wouldn’t affect my weigh in. That just doesn’t sit well with me on a forever basis. 3. Weekends are my social time, if I weigh in on a Friday morning and then decide to have a couple drinks on a Friday or Saturday with dinner, I can do that because it all works itself out before the next weigh in but with a Sunday weigh in it makes every weekend potentially a non-social weekend. What if I want to go out for dinner, I never go crazy but when you eat as strict as I do anything other than my boring cooking is a “treat” so again Sunday weigh in will be an issue.  I need to be able to do my things when I need to and not when it works for a meeting and without feeling like I have failed.  This probably sounds trivial to someone that has been attending meetings for years but for someone who has been as successful as I have doing my journey online, this is huge for me. Someone could say, “find a Friday meeting” but that’s not going help with the self-shaming I am doing if I don’t have a stellar week on the scale.  If I was to do what I want, potentially most Sunday weigh ins won’t be good and that would be mentally catastrophic even if I was down for the rest of the week or even if that was every couple weeks, still not a good situation for me. So what I am trying sort out in my head is “Is a lifetime membership worth it?” I know stop whining right? But I can’t continue to feel conflicted, I have to sort this out.  I need to decide if attending meetings on a weekly bases is going to work for me.

Up until this week I have never felt any angst or negativity about hitting my goal weight.  This week has been filled with negative/downer thoughts and it’s not boding well with me. If I decide that meetings aren’t for me, am I a failure? No I am not, in my mind if I make a decision to go back to strictly online then I am even stronger than I thought.  I would be making a decision that would disappoint many, and I hate disappointing people, but I need to do what is best for me and no one else. 🙂  I haven’t made any decisions yet but as usual writing things down here does help me process how I am feeling.  I will see how I feel after my meeting on Sunday, I am sure that will either make it or break it for me.

I don’t know, maybe I should just attend a meeting once a month? I don’t even know if that is possible but I may look into that, as that may be the best of both worlds for me because I do really like the new people I have met through the meetings.

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