Identity Crisis – Who am I?
It’s so scary that you can lose 205lbs and still forget that you are not that obese person anymore. As the dust settles, no more milestones to reach that are related to weight loss, just settling into living life as an average sized active person. Seems simple right? It’s actually very difficult at times. I have had some difficult conversations lately with my husband. I have tried to open up about how I still identify with myself, even now, I still have moments that I forget that I don’t have to worry what the seating is like at that restaurant or that people don’t have that “oh, she is a big girl” first impression. After all, I still have skin that flops around, hangs in places it shouldn’t. Burpees for me? Only in the privacy of my own home. How embarrassing would it be to be alongside your active friends doing a work out and all they can hear are my skin flapping as I do my workout. So it’s pretty easy to slide into this place of “I am still not the person I feel like I am now”.
I am still sitting waiting to find out if they (MSP) will reconsider covering my surgeries to get rid of my skin, I have moments that can still be a little darker than they should. It’s this skin that is “hanging” around, it weighs on me a little more mentally than I first realized. It’s tough because I know deep down I have done all work and I know I look good but I will never look as toned as I actually am. I have wanted to do a “power pose” flexing my arms to show off my hard work but to be totally honest it doesn’t look that powerful. It’s lose and saggy, which transfers to lose and saggy feeling. It’s hard to explain but all I can say is, I don’t feel the way I should after losing 205lbs. I know I can have a tummy tuck down, which I am super grateful for. The tummy tuck would take care of the majority of issues in my abdomen area, instead of the full body lift my doctor would like me to have, but my arms and legs are just as much of an issue. So far, they won’t consider the full body lift, arms or legs at this point. I have now asked my local MLA to get involved, I don’t think going to the media will help matters when it comes to dealing with MSP.
My request for skin removal was directly related to health issues with the rashes and chaffing I get from being active but I am realizing there are bigger, more damaging effects from this. Am I still proud of all I have accomplished? Hell ya! But I shouldn’t feel what I am feeling either, which at times is kind of shitty. I actually asked my family this weekend if they think I should lose a bit more weight to try and get rid of my extra skin in my stomach area and arms. Maybe my perception of where I am at with my body weight is unrealistic? They all felt any more weight loss would be unhealthy because the rest of my body is so lean, it would be too much. So I sit and wait and hope MSP comes through for me.
This blog post is not because I want sympathy, this blog is my therapy. I write these blogs to help myself process how I am feeling. If you chose to read it, I am happy to share, but its sole purpose is to help me deal with the emotional aspect of this transformation. Secondly, to help others that are in the same situation. I hope, if you are someone that struggles with weight, seeing me fight through these ups and downs will hopefully help motivate you or at the very least let you know that you are not alone.
If you have a loved one that is morbidly obese, watch them, if they are anything like I was they are likely dealing with depression and don’t even realize it or are hiding it from you. One of the conversations I had with my husband recently has been about how easy it is to go back to that dark place when you aren’t feeling good about your body, which is pretty damn scary when I sit and think of how much I have done to improve my health. This post is my way to check in with myself. Feeling good about myself is key to my success so I need to learn how to deal with it.
Conclusion: Losing weight is only half of the battle, recovering from the implications from being obese for most of life, is the other half. It’s hard to say which one I am finding the hardest.