I feel like it’s been forever since I sat down and journaled my thoughts and this past few weeks have been a bit of a mind f&%$ so I thought I would sit down and write, which for me, helps process thoughts and think through stuff.
The past couple months I have been struggling to stay committed to a strict meal plan. I hired a coach again, I got a new weight training program, I got myself a new kick ass job that not only allows me to work from home a few days a week but it also provides the time in the mornings to make my fitness a priority again.
Sounds pretty straight forward when I write it down. But there is more to it than that.
Things I need to remind myself…..I am also going to school, which has been a long 5 months, with one more to go. Ironically the course I am doing right now is a coaching course, so I have even went through the coaching model I am learning about on myself, but to no surprise I didn’t tell myself anything I didn’t already know… We also ended up started a huge reno on the house, which has been a tad stressful to say the least, but the worst is over now with a full functioning kitchen again but that sure didn’t help my efforts over the past few months.
My goals have shifted slightly, I am probably 25lbs over my lowest weight ever but my goal is not to get back down that low again, I was too thin in my face and I just don’t feel it was a realistic weight for me to maintain but that said, I am hoping to drop 20lbs but… how do I keep it off? I was telling a friend today how hard it’s been to find a balance from the obsessive person I had to be to lose the original 210lbs to the person I am today that that needs to find a balance of disciplined fun. I want to be fit and trim, active AF but I also want to be able to have fun sometimes, which means I want to have a few ciders and not feel like I am going to hell…. It’s not easy and I resorted to the fact that I may spend my whole life trying to figure that out, but I sure hope not.
Ultimately I want to get back down to that weight of mid 170lbs and then get to a place where eating and training with maintenance comes easy. The problem is that by the time I do work my way back down to that weight, I am tired of having to be so disciplined for months and then want to let go for bit. It frustrates me that I may never just live a balanced life without the ups and downs, especially if injuries occur, then I get depressed and shut down so I found myself guarded with how much I push myself out of fear that I will get hurt and not be able to do the things I love.
Speaking of that, running is really hard right now. I can’t believe how hard it is with that extra weight, I can’t believe I used to run with a lot more than that when I first started. I am starting a run clinic next week for my first full marathon, and to be honest, I am feeling a bit defeated with how hard runs are feeling right now given the distances I am going to need to do. So this week, I did have a little chat with myself about how I am mentally showing up for my runs, am I starting happy and grateful that I am out or am I dreading it because its hard work right now? It was the later for sure, so this week my goal was to start each run with week with a positive vibe and what a difference that made. My last three runs have felt better and my pace is very-very slowly improving… so there is hope yet.
I know things will get easier again for me. By mid-July I will be done my program and we will be plugging away at the renos but my main focus will be running, weights and yoga to get stronger and stay injury free. Speaking about injury free… I am off to my final Tough Mudder next week, but more on that later… I have rambled enough 🙂